Adult Gap Year aka A Marriage Sabbatical
soundtrack: Forever by Papa Roach
Whenever I told folks that I am leaving for a year of travel, the conversation went like this:
"What about VALENTIN?!"
Me: What about Valentin?"
"He's your HUSBAND! How can you be away from your HUSBAND for a year?!!"
Easy. I make a decision. I buy a ticket. I pack. I get on the airplane.
Before we got married, I told Vale that I never took the opportunity to travel aroud when I was younger. "I know that one day I will have to do that for myself, so when I do it's not because I don't love you and it's not because I need a divorce. It just means that it's time for me to GO." He replied "OK, if you need to do that, I'll take care of the house and the children." And THAT'S why I married him, in addition to, of course (!) the fact that I was in love and felt like we could create something together. I wrote my vows to him that said something like "If you promise to give me the freedom that I need to be myself, then I willingly give myself to you."
We ended up having two sons together, and four of his kids came to live with us when the baby was 10 months old, and then my nephew moved in on Mother's Day of 2004. That summer the "Paraguayan Brady Bunch" consisted of 7 kids between 1 year and 20 years old. My stepkids had been neglected, so for nearly a year I wore a path between the Infectious Disease, Tuberculosis, Dental and Pediatric clinics, NIH and the school. Teaching them how to eat a varied diet (we were vegetarians at the time and Paraguayans are fiends for meat!), how not to litter, how to use the washingmachine, a seatbelt, a shower, about the necessity of wearing shoes when we left the house etc etc etc wore me down to a NUB. Oh, and did I mention that one of my best friends who was going through a divorce moved in that Spring for three months?
During that time, I read The Marriage Sabbatical by Cheryl Jarvis. "In The Marriage Sabbatical, Cheryl Jarvis makes a case for women who take the time away from her family and/ or spouse to find themselves. A marriage sabbatical is a “personal time-out from daily routines for creative, professional or spiritual growth, reflection or renewal.” It allows women to get away from the noises of caretaking and judgment. In the stillness, she can find her own voice by going deeper within herself." I vowed that one day I would leave the family to REST.
(*Note: the other books that made the most impact on my life were Heidi, the Little House on the Prairie series, His Dark Materials series, The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey and Healing Rage.)
The friend who lived with us for that short time in 2004 asked me why I need a marriage sabbatical and why a weekend away wouldn't suffice. A couple of years later, I sent her this email: "I want you to know that I'm not trying to avoid you, that I DO want you to be part of Z's life as much as you can. Your letter made me realize to what extent my life and my habits have gotten out of control. I used to take time to write long letters to my friends, to make frequent phonecalls, to groom myself. Now, I always feel frazzled, frenzied and rushed, a complete turnabout from my usual laid back California attitude and type B personality. Ever since the kids got here from Paraguay, I feel like I've been pushed into hyperdrive taking care of everyone and everything, as if I wasn't already feeling that way just caring for the three kids and hubby. Last year was probably the most exhausting one of my life to date, constantly running from one to appointment to the next about health, immigration, education or whatever needs. Gah!
And I've carried that same stress into this year, with them being in school and homework on the agenda now.Plus I'm trying to get organized to homeschool Z and he and his brother fight alot. It's just too much, and I've become a woman that I don't recognize often.
An acupuncturist told me that I've got to reduce the stress in my life. I don't want to end up dying from stress related heart disease like so many other Black American women. My stress crashes through the
family like a tsunami, causing all kinds of other shit in its wake.
A few months ago I went to a Buddhist retreat for 5
days up in Massachusetts . That was the first time in
over 6 years that I'd had more than 6 hours to myself at one time. No husband, no kids, no house or dogs to care for. This was a silent retreat, and before I left home, I wondered how I'd be able to come back to
a housefull of 5 kids, hubby, and a houseguest after sitting in silence for days. I arrived after an 11 hour trip (traffic) and got there in time for the 8pm orientation and first meditative sit. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I had my own room, instead of sharing one. Wow. A room with no toys, no furniture to obsessively rearrange as I do at home (my hobby), no
meals to plan, no books on parenting, redecorating or recipes todistract me.The next morning after breakfast, I went outside and saw an apple tree. I started crying, realizing that it has been years, YEARS!, since I took the time to really look at a tree, its bark, its leaves. It
seems like that my head is forever swiveling back and forth, radarlike, checking that the children haven't wandered away or been snatched, scanning my environment for possible hazard, instead of looking, LOOKING, at what's going on."
In January 2019, I escaped to my friend's house for the day. I told her "I feel like I am maintaining a life that I don't even want anymore." My days had become a repetitious cycle of homemaking, working, parenting, wifey-ing. That Fall I told Vale "next year I have to leave." Well, then the world got its ass kicked by Covid 19 and then my mom's health started to decline, so I knew I had to put my trip on hold. I had to wait until the air was free from contagion and the Old Bird was dead.
After she died in May 2021, I was mentally and physically exhausted. Vale had been wonderfully supportive through the whole ordeal of me caring for her those last months, so we went camping for a week at Hatteras. Then, Hallaluyer! A former nanny client invited me to Italy to nanny for her kids for a week! I told her, "leave me there!!" I've wanted to go to Italy since I was 13 and met a beautiful Italian guy named Marcello-- green eyes, curly black hair, the WORKS! So when I FINALLY got the chance to travel, I combined my two "obsessions" and went to an Italian goat farm! Listen to that story below.*
In February of 2022, I decided that it was time to start working again after my grief sabbatical over Mommy's death. There was a job that I wanted doing community engagement and I said "If I don't get it, then I'm going to Italy for 3 months." A few weeks later they sent me their "thanks for applying but you suck" email, so I sat right down and bought my ticket to Milan. A month later, I got the "please come in to interview tomorrow" email. Nope. Nope. Nope. I was already packed for my May departure.
*Listen to **After the Sabbatical Below to hear about this trip. I left in May but decided to extend my trip until the end of 2022 because why the hell not?! In early August, my husband called and said "I'm lost without you." I replied "how unfortunate,because I won't be home until January." I sent him to Paraguay to see his Papa. Long long LONG story short, I have decide that since I'm able to, I am going to travel for a few years and enjoy my life. In some ways, my husband is focused on SURVIVAL while I want to life in THRIVE-AL. I want to live the absolute best life that I can. I have accepted that this one year separation may mean the end of my marriage. How many people have told me "but a man NEEDS a woman!" Look, Vale is gonna do what he's gonna do whether I am in the USA or not, and I'm not willing to sacrifice what I NEED for my own peace of mind and soul out of fear. As far as I'm concerned, we just completed 25 years of marriage, and this is the New Normal of this union. He wilingly is going along with this, AND completing his vow to me, so I'm happy. We'll see how the year pans out. I leave January 14.
STAY TUNED!!
To hear more of my story, check out my interviews on the Rebloom Room podcast. Hostess Cat McDonald's goal is to "help Black and brown women who are exhausted to rest deeply through daily self-care and international retreats. She (sic) helps women of color find their happy place and listen to their own inner wisdom."
*Slow Travel in Italy May 2021 Juju Harris is taking a break from her work as a culinary educator. She's slow traveling, now on a goat farm in Italy, then to an olive orchard in Greece, then Croatia, Turkey, and maybe more. She's figuring it out as she goes along.
Juju has dreamed of spending time on a goat farm ever since she read "Heidi" as a young girl. Now in midlife, she's immersing herself in the kind of experiences she's always wanted. Meeting new people, making genuine connections with friends -- and tending to goats!
After The Sabbatical, What's Next? October 2022 Juju Harris spent the summer traveling solo around Italy and Croatia. She did a combination of WOOF-ing, WorkAway-ing, and house sitting, which enabled her to meet new people and make genuine connections.
Now she’s back in the US and the realities of parenting adult children, property taxes, and just all-around adulting are hitting her hard. What were some of Juju's highlights and lessons learned from her sabbatical, which was a combination of a marriage sabbatical, a crone-ing, and a rebirth? And what’s next?
