Thoughts On a 4 Month Marriage Sabbatical
Part of the challenge of being home months ahead of schedule was having to face the man I’d taken the marriage sabbatical from. As always, Vale dealt with the emergency in his normal way, with quiet stillness and immersing himself in house maintenance. During my time away, I’d done a lot of study and reflection on expectations, forgiveness and accepting people for who they are. Sister Shivani of the Brahma Kamaris says that when you are judging people you are not loving them. I’ve learned to look at my husband through a different lens and be more conscientious about my thoughts.
Our marriage has definitely changed, and I’m still working out why I have the expectations that I do and how they were created in the first place. Last SeptemberI told Valentin “THIS marriage is over. The way that we’ve been operating for the past 25 years doesn’t work for me. I don’t know what the future will bring, but THIS shit ends now.” He moved permanently into “his” room, where he keeps his clothes, books, bee stuff and other junk and I share my former marriage bed with my stuffed dog Adam and my cats Jorah and Gendry. My parents had the same setup, and when asked why they didn’t share a room, my mom said “we have different schedules and different hobbies.” I’d grown up watching shows where the couple slept in twin beds, so I thought separate was normal. I already had my own bathroom because I don’t like foreskin particles floating around me.
During my recent 6 weeks home, I went through a range of emotions about him— rage, frustration, sorrow, acceptance. We had a discussion, which degenerated into a fight about a financial matter and I stormed off, disgusted by what I considered his stupidity. Later, I apologized saying “I’m sorry. I spoke to you that way. That way of reacting is from our Old Marriage. There’s a more rational way to deal with this.” For a few days I was mean and dismissive of him, but had to snatch myself up and give myself a strong “talking to”. I was not embodying the characteristics that I most values which are kindness, integrity and honesty. Instead I was spewing spite, being trifling and speaking NONesty. I realized that basically I was emotionally abusing him and it had to STOP. I remembered my Brahma Kumari teachings about judgement. That attitude was not loving. I focused on the thoughts about him that I found aggravating. Finances and sex had always been contentious topics between Vale and I, so I decided “no more sex, no more pooling our money.” When I thought about what Valentin and I created together that was positive, our beautiful garden and children, my animosity towards him disappeared. When I asked him “What do you want? There’s no sex in this marriage.” He said “I want to take care of you.” Vale has never been stingy or vindictive. It really surprised and touched me deeply that even after all the bullshit I’ve dumped on him, he still wanted me to be ok because that is what HE needs for his soul to be complete. “Great. Thank you very much..”
So, I’m sure you’re wondering one of two things: either What the hell is wrong with this man that he puts up with so much? OR Where can I get a man who rolls like that? Valentin is a very humble person in many respects. He grew up on a 2000 acre ranch in Paraguay and he’s been working ever since he was 2 years old. His Papa put him on the saddle, tied his legs to it, and took him out on the range. At 4 years old he was put in charge of 4 newborn calves, and with the money he earned, he bought material and made himself a shirt. He cultivated cotton and tobacco as his cash crops. Non-mechanized farming, I must add. On our second date he took me plowing with his 2 oxen, Nato and Noble. The first date was rabbit hunting at midnight when I thought “I’m either very stupid or I really like this guy.” (BOTH.) He quit school in 9th grade because he needed to work on the farm to help take care of his family.
One day during my Peace Corps stint, he came over to my host family’s farm and saw a bee swarm up in a tree. He wrapped some rags and moss around a branch, set it on fire, climbed up the tree barefoot holding the torch AND a machete, smoked the hive, chopped the branch off, climbed down, found the queen bee in the mass, put her in a bottle and the other bees followed. I have two jokes about this episode. 1) He captured my heart like he captured the bees with all their sweetness. 2) I saw him climbing up that tree and I thought “ooo, you Tarzan! Me Jane!” My host sister asked me “don’t you think he’s handsome? Don’t you want him for your boyfriend?” I knew he had kids, but didn’t know he was divorced, and was trying to say “He’s married already.” My Guarani language skills were rudimentary so what I actually said was “he’s dead already.” Teresita laughed and I replied “Married. Dead. Same thing depending on who you’re married to.”
One thing that I admire and appreciate about Valentin is that he is steady. He is the kind of man who gets his sense of self-worth from how hard he works and what he provides for the family. He used to work every Saturday even when I begged him not to. “I need you here with us.” “No, I have to work because if there’s something you need and I can’t get it, I’ll feel bad.” Even during his 18 month recuperation from a motorcycle accident, he tried to work to take care of us. Of course, our relationship had its problems. I shut down emotionally for some time because I was frustrated with our inability to discuss matters and come to a consensus. Years later at the beginning of a three month stint of marriage counseling, I disdainfully told the therapist “He’s like a boulder, unmoving. I’m like the river, I never stop.” However, after weeks of listening to how and why Vale loves the way that he does, I had a better appreciation of him. Yes, he IS like a boulder, solid, but rivers can slowly move (and wear them down haha!). Boulders can slow rivers down, causing little eddys and quiet pools of rest. He put up with me during the first 7 years of our marriage when I was crippled by Persistent Depressive Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder. I wasn’t just a hot mess. I was a SCORCHING hot mess. Personally, I would have left my ass. He was supportive when I finally went to therapy and started medication, even driving me to some appointments.
I had an epiphany recently. I believe that we’re together to work out our deepest wounds brought forward from previous lives. We get triggered by what we consider as failure within ourselves. What always drove me nuts about him was his inability to pay bills on time because of various factors. I never felt financial stable even before I met him, so I felt even more precarious being married with kids. I had to admit, though, that Valentin DID eventually pay the bills albeit with late fees attached. Lights, heat, water, never cut off. Mortgage was paid late but never reached the point that we were in danger of foreclosure. I have to call that a win.
When I told him that I NEEDED to resume my trip in 2 days, he replied “Good. Do that.” Our “pre-nuptial agreement” was that I would travel one day and he’d stay home and take care of the home and children. He’s fulfilling his promise. He’s caring for the house, children and animals to the best of his ability and I’m off to Turkey next month. We’re still figuring out what this new sexless, financially independent marriage looks like, but so far it’s amicable. I think of him as my HouseBandMate. We’re staying legally bound for the reasons we got married in the first place — he needed a Green Card and I needed a carpenter. Oh, and I love the guy and he loves me. I left a Honey Do List on the blackboard when I left and since I’ll be gone until January 2025, he should have everything done before I get back.
