What Does Your Family Think About You Leaving for So Long?

“Presumption 8: Mothers are the only ones who can care properly for a child. This premise can lead to only one script with tired themes and stereotypes. It needs a rewrite. Keep the domestic scene and story line but lose the abandoning mother in the leading role. Recast in the lead a nurturing father, a man who can parent, a man who might actually want to parent…The women recognzed that their husbands would parent in a different way, but they did not view ‘different”’as inferior. LCG, in fact, said that a secondary motivation in going away to write was to give her husband the opportunity to be the primary parent and her children the opportunity to have him as their primary parent. “

I’m curious to see how Valentin and Thing 2’s relationship develops. More importantly, I want to see how often dog dooky pickup is deemed a priority.

“There are no dictactes here, no “acceptable” age to leave a cild, no “ok” time to be away..There is only a woman’s soulsearching. When a mother leaves home out of enlightened self-interest with a willing father on the scene, her children will see a disruption in family life, but they will also see an egalitarian model for parenting. They will see a mother who is not a “perfect” caretaker, but they will also see a mother who is a separate person with an emotional life of her own and interests beyond their care. They will see a woman who may cause them moments of anguish, but they will also see a woman who gives them a lifelong image of independencce— a woman who, by claiming her dreams, may help them to claim theirs.”

In 2015 I told my friend how desperate I was to go to Italy, and he asked me what the rush was. “Your son will be 18 in 6 years. Why can’t you wait?” I told him “I could be dead in 6 years. Hell, I could be dead in 6 DAYS!” Thankfully, I lived more than 6 days and ended up going to Italy the year Thing 2 turned 18 after all…

“The discovery that a mother has a life of her own can be a narcissistic blow at any age. It’s hard for children, even adult children to see thier parents as individuals with needs and desires beyond caring for them. Even self-sufficient teenagers or young adult children are not thinking of their mothers’ self-development. They’re thinking of themselves: How is this going to affect my life? Who will take care of my needs? “

A few years ago I spent a week in Atlanta with a bestie to celebrate my birthday. My mother called and CUSSED ME OUT because I’d “gone off and left the family without any food.” Really, mommy? WTF? My sons both know how to cook AND their daddy is there with them. I can imagine what she’d say if I told her I was traveling for a year. “You’re a terrible mother and wife. You’re selfish. You don’t know what love means.”

“‘..Separation anxiety’ is used to determine the anxiety generated by the absence of someone we feel is necessary for our survival. How much anxiety a child feels when a mother temporarily leaves home depends on many factors. It depends on the child’s temperament, personality, and level of self-sufficiency, how much the child has going on in his or her own life. It depends on the father, his relationship to the child and his comfort with the situation, and it depends on the mother, her relationship to the child and her comfort with the situation. Children tend to take their cues from their parents.”

JuJu- Well, I’m out! Keep the animals alive, pick up poo, fix some shit, and have the house professionally cleaned before I get back.

Valentin- I’ll miss you but I’m happy that I can support you in making your dream come true. I’m going to refinish the wood floors while you’re gone.

JuJu—Awesome. Thank you! Can you remodel the bathroom too? When are you free to go to Home Depot to choose tile?

Children— Who gets the house if you die?

“The inner motivated man sees marriage not only as a contract with another person but also as a contract with himself. He’s supportive because that’s the kind of person he needs to be in order to feel good about himself. A man like this doesn’t see his wife’s leaving as a loss of power or control, a threat to his marriage, or a wound to his ego. He sees it as a means to a more emotionally satisfying life. He figures that if his wife does something she really wants to do and goes without hassle or resistance from him, she’ll be be happier when she returns. He knows that when she’s happier, he’ll be happier too. He figures that if he can tolerate discomfort now, he will reap reward later. Even if he isn’t particularly interested in what his wife is learning or doing, he can appreciate what it means to her.”

When I was gone last year for three months, Vale said he was nothing without me. I told him “well, that’s unfortunate because I’ll be gone another 5 months, so I’m gonna send you home to Paraguay to see your daddy.”

quotes from The Marriage Sabbatical by Cheryl Jarvis