Duty Calls
Parenting never really stops if one is conscientious about it. There’s a Saturday Night Live skit where Barry goes off to college still attached to his mom by the umbilical cord. Yes, we want to be close to our kids, but that is ridiculous. The challenge is in being comfortable with having the kid’s back while they get their shit together, and not leaping in to try to fix things when they implode.
In May 2004, we had a blended family of 7 kids between the ages of 10 months and 20 years old— our two, my husband’s 4 and my nephew. I designated Sundays as Ask Popi Day and said “unless you have been decapitated or are on fire, do not ask me for a dingdong thing.” Zazu got a pass because he was stil nursing. I’d leave the house at 7am, drive to Virginia, grocery shop, browse Target, Marshall’s, Staples and Pier One, then arrive at home around 1pm. While the kids put the food away, I’d have a cold Tecate and some chips. A year into mothering the Paraguayan Brady Bunch, I was exhausted. My mind was like a Rubick’s Cube as I tried to figure out how to make our family “work”. 3 of the kids had arrived malnourished and neglected, and I spent a lot of time taking them to clinics— tuberculosis, infectious disease, hearing specialist, dentist, NIH. I de-loused them several times, taught them American customs and English, soothed homesickness, cajoled them into eating what was on their plates, directed them in chores and disciplined them when necessary. Fortunately, I was able to take a couple of trips to rest a bit because I was running on empty most of the time.
Eventually, I came to my senses and downsized my family. Nephew went back to live with my mom after 6 months. 2 years into it, Vale’s kids weren’t content, understandably. They were miles away from their mom and they had no idea when they’d ever see her again. They were all going through puberty and dealing with the public school system. At one point I banished Valentin’s children from my house for lying about me, and took my little ones to New Mexico for several weeks to get away. The note I left on the door read “I’m tired and am going to get some rest. Please feed the dog.”Someone had told me that it can take 5 to 10 years for a blended family to “settle”. I knew Id’ be dead by then if the stress kept up. I asked a friend “how do you know when you’ve done enough?” She replied “If what you’re doing is damaging your health or your relationship with other important people in your life, you need to stop.” I was a wreck by then. I woke up every morning with a headache and pressure in my chest. My throat was tight from tension and I rarely laughed. One day I screamed at the kids about something and my 4 year old told me “You’re a bad mommy! Bad!” I threw the CD player on the floor and roared “I’M A FUCKING EXCELLENT MOTHER!!” That Spring when the kids got their residency card and Vale took them to visit their mom, I decided that I couldn’t take them back.** If I dropped dead because of stress, who would take care of my boys?
My boys, now young men ages 21 and 24.5, are my greatest joy and my greatest sorrow. When they are at peace, I am too. When they are disturbed, I feel unsettled. I homeschooled them, unwilling to put them into the substandard schools in our county. Besides, I enjoyed their company and I’d seen how school had impacted my step-kids’ behavior and thoughts. Asked what I wished for my sons, I said “to be kind and tolerant people”. Some parents want their children to succeed academically and financially, which is great. Right on. More power to them. My take, however, is all that won’t mean doodaw if the kid is an asshole and can’t relate to people. I must say that my kids are lovely men, kind, affectionate, introspective, and creative.
Missing them is the hardest part of this yearlong journey of self-discovery. I miss watching cooking shows with Zen and talking about metaphysics with Zazu. My Mother Bear instinct is to be present to console them when they face difficulty. I also recognize that they need space to confront adversity and become resilient people while maintaining their positive attributes. With both living at home,and my husband and I aging, I’m focusing on our becoming a more cohesive family. That’s why I went home recently — so that we could face the family emergency together. Paradoxically, that’s also why I left and resumed my trip. I needed to step out of the way so that the boys further develop their relationship with their father and deal with the fallout as a unit. I’ll see themall in January, and in the meantime,they know that I’ll hop the first plane out if the doodoo hits the fan again.
**3 of the kids ended up coming back to the states. L became a citizen,has his own construction company and put his wife through college. B married a Brazilian guy and has 2 sons. A got married and works in masonry and construction. F stayed in Paraguay and has two children.
